Tonight is a hard night to find gratitude in my heart. Tonight it is filled with anger. Ugliness. And down right darkness. I'm mad. Mad at my husband. My kids. Circumstances completely out of everyone's control.
You see, I'm not Superwoman. Yes, I run after eight children. We teach them their book knowledge, their social interactions, and their spiritual teachings. To some, this seems like an overwhelming, daunting task. It is difficult at times to just raise one or two children. And to think of someone doing it with eight just seems impossible. And they say things like "I don't know how you do it", or "You must have lots of patience", or better yet "Glad it's you and not me". Well right now, I feel like that last quote. I want to scream and yell. I want to point the finger at someone else. Tell them it's all their fault. I want to make sure I'm blameless. Do you know what that is called? Selfishness. Plain and simple. And that, my friend, is a sin.
Is it any ones fault that we haven't been home for two weeks? That we have been traveling for a funeral? That we have had one week in which every organization Heath and I are involved with has had a meeting? Is it Heath's fault he is suddenly sick? Do I have any one to blame for the uncleanliness of our home?
Nope. Just as I have no one to blame but my self for the uncleanliness of our home, so it is with my heart. I truly feel awful for Heath that he is sick. I'm just being selfish that it doesn't fit in my schedule. And I have taken it out on him. I made my three year old daughter cry because I yelled at her for getting in my way with the broom. "But Momma, I was only trying to sweep so you wouldn't have to". And with that statement, God's love broke through. And I went to my knees and wept. Wept for my circumstances (albeit, mostly my fault for procrastinating). Wept for my anger. My ugliness. And then I asked for forgiveness. I am sinful. I am not perfect. I mess up. I yell. I take out my anger on the innocent. Yet I have a Savior that loves me too much to leave me that way.
So tonight, I am thankful for a Savior's love. My God, the Creator, and my Comforter is here to pick up the pieces. To understand my feelings, and push me to a place of growth. The Counselor that forgives me of my sin, and holds my hand along the path. I am definitely not perfect, but through Jesus, I am so thankful I am being perfected.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God. And renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10